Golden.

Long time no write. I’ve got a lot to say, as per usual, but it’s been a while. That’s mostly because residency knocked me flat on my *** . Here’s  me saying that these words and thoughts are my own and everything I say here is my property and not affiliated with my job because God knows I’m fearful of that. So hello there if you’re new, I’m Brooke. I’m not new to blogging, in fact I started writing on blogs in like middle school, but over the years, with stalkers and harassers, I’ve changed my blog name etc. I recently transitioned to a different host for my website and then because residency drop kicked me in between the legs, I never got around to continuing my hobby or spending all the time reformatting my old blogs to this new host. Sorry you’re missing out on all of that content but maybe someday (probably not at this point) I’ll pull those things back online for you to read.

Anyways, hey how are you? Let’s start with the big monster in the room, residency. I’m not sure what you know and what you don’t so here we go. I’m a PGY-2 (post grad year) meaning I’ve finished my intern year as a doctor and now I’m a big bad second/upper year. Ugh, terrifying honestly. And speaking of honesty, I have to say that there were so many days I had this serious imposter syndrome, I thought that that they would never sign my second year contract because I was such a terrible, stupid, good-for-nothing resident. Those feelings came and went throughout the year, but I was so worried I was going to fail step 3 that I was having constant nightmares.

Anyways, residency sucks and it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. People do talk a big game about how they can’t wait to be an intern or an attending or even a 3rd or 4th year med student, but it’s pretty hard being a doctor. If it wasn’t so hard, everyone would do it. The hours suck, the feeling that you’re not smart enough, fast enough, strong enough, professional enough or resourceful enough are all things that you can’t prepare for. Really, I thought I was a bada** B**** before I started, I’ve been through some serious shit in my life and I’ve made it to the other side, but this destroyed all the confidence and such that I had before. I mean it doesn’t help that I did all my audition rotations in OBGYN and then decided to match family medicine last minute. Before I started, I knew way more about uterine prolapse and urge incontinence than I knew about high cholesterol or hypertension medications.

Ugh, it’s been hard.

And I haven’t always been confident in my decision to switch… Real talk. But, at the end of the day, I’ve decided that I’m not a surgeon. That has been the hardest struggle for me because I LOVE surgery, I love procedures and the operating room. I love delivering babies. I also love my life and wanted to have more time for my family. So, I made this decision and I’m sticking with it. I do love primary care, and women’s health primary care so I know I can be happy as an attending, doing family medicine.

The other monster in my room, the title of this entry… golden. Kind of like a queen. I must say that I was pretty depressed for a lot of residency. I would wake up, nearly paralyzed by the thought of driving into work another day. Like I said, she hasn’t been easy. So much self doubt without much reassurance that I was even doing the right thing. Well, that dark cloud has sailed away. Mostly after I found out I passed my Step 3 and did so well on it. I was pretty certain that I failed it, I was sobbing and shaking when I opened my score. Then, once I opened my score, I felt a little weight off of my shoulders. I passed, and did well.  Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out how to have work-life balance in residency. For some people that’s easier than others. For me, I’ve been trying to get back into exercising both with lifting weights and with the Peloton. Some weeks, I’ve got the groove, other weeks (like this past week) it hasn’t been so easy. Especially after working at 32 hour shift in the middle of the week. I’ve been trying to lose some weight, to actually try to reach my goals instead of falling short like I have been for months. Mostly, because I have something golden coming up. Like a bench mark or something. Well, and because I want to be at a healthier weight when I get pregnant.  So anyways, my birthday this year is my golden birthday.

I’m turning 30 on the 30th.

I know I’ve been talking about this a lot lately on social media, but my body has really changed a lot in the last year. Major car accident leaving huge hematomas from the seatbelt and now underlying scar tissue, wrinkles, cellulite, more facial hair/ peach fuzz than ever before. Some article came out saying that intern doctors age 5x as fast as their similarly aged peers and I believe it and support it. I did not have wrinkles before starting residency. Now my skin is a disaster, to say the least.

Anyways, for my birthday, Harley is taking me to an adults/ couples only/ all-inclusive resort in Mexico. I will actually be there on my birthday, and I can’t wait. I am hoping to get some good rest and relaxation in and I’ve been looking forward to this trip for many months since we booked it. As far as my actual birthday is concerned, like of my best friends, Jocelynn, I’m really feeling it this year. I’m feeling that I’ve made it to 30, still over-weight/ obese, still don’t have a huge grasp on my weight and somedays it feels like my life. For example, I am terrible at doing house hold chores, and I thought I’d break that habit years ago. My past roommates can attest to the fact that I am not good at cleaning. It stresses me out and that reminds me I still need to finish cleaning the kitchen before bed. I’m not as organized as I thought I’d be, not as fit as I thought I’d be and I have so many days that I still feel like I’m a 21 year old that just wants to get into medical school so I can be a doctor.

 Thanks to faceapp for this aging photo, subtext to people who “hate faceapp” about how fun this was and I really don’t care what you think hunny.

But I suppose I have accomplished that dream and now to focus on all those other things. Stay golden.

Brooke